Leadville Trail 100 - "The Sequel"

Every good horror flick has a sequel…I mean come on, what would Halloween have been without Halloween II, or more apropos to this event, the Texas Chain Saw sequel, or Freddy Krueger Goes Female. Seriously, and I say this respectfully, with great compassion for those still recovering, “She” was downright violent this go around.

Any doubts that may have lingered from a year ago, well, they’re simply gone. This mining town is seriously haunted. No question about it, She is a permanent resident here, affixed atop Columbine, looking down on all the fools lining up for the Leadville Trail 100.

I’ll give Her a bit of credit, she gives you fair warning. I had my own chance to bail out, as after all of my preparation, the Bitch inflicted me with illness a mere 5 days before the start. And a broader, last minute warning went out to the masses…holding the event the day after Friday the 13^th should have sent concern through all of our minds. Heck, this time She even sent a private telegram to Lance, and it instilled such fear in the man, he suddenly had hip pain, and stayed home. As rumor has it, She simply asked him “whether he liked having his one remaining nut?”

Lance has always been a very smart man.

Anyway, once you’ve ignored fair warning, the gloves come off. But first, She lures you in. This year it was the weather. Absolutely perfect racing weather. It gave you a total sense of calm, of (over) confidence. Oh how you will regret this. I’m telling you that you’ve got to protect yourself, guard your chin, and stay on your toes at all times. You must absolutely maintain concentration for somewhere between 7 and 13 hours or you are, well, you are simply fucked!

So after leaving Leadville last year, and feeling like I had been locked up in a Turkish prison with nothing but a slippery bar of soap, I made careful this go-around. Everyone told me I was losing too much weight, and way too concerned with my power to weight ratio (between body, bike and shoes I shaved 8 lbs.). Well, you’ve absolutely missed the point. I worked my ass of to lose enough weight such that the Wicked Witch would confuse me for a baby Birch Tree…the ones that line the Columbine descent. Yes, those are the ones, the trees She used as a meat grinder, as I watched in horror as three un-expecting young lads descended straight into them at 30 mph (again, in all seriousness, my thoughts and prayers go out). Oh, by the way, my strategy worked. I was simply so bloody gaunt she had no idea I was a contestant.

Others weren’t so lucky (like the dudes discussed above). For example, She tried to take a few favorites out early. Like at the top of Powerline, where She personally locked up Levi’s disk brakes, causing Todd Wells to ride up his ass, both of them tasting a mouth full of mining slag early in the event.

Heck, She didn't even let our buddy Chandler show up. The guy trains with tremendous discipline, with final preparation for Leadville in Telluride. During his final mini-camp, Mr. Spears does some epic rides, one with over 12 feet of climbing and has as we say, "great legs". The next day, doing more or less a recovery ride, he's faced with an easy decision. Go one way and it's a coast back to base camp...go the other and it's a treacherous triple black diamond descent. Well, the last thing anyone wants before big event is an injury, so Chandler wisely decides on a coast back to camp. One problem, She decides he'd enjoy the triple black diamond plunge. Well you know how this ends. As hard as he tries to turn his bars in the sensible direction, She overpowers him and sends him off a ledge. The side of a house would have been less steep, and certainly, with fewer boulders. He starts the drop with two functioning knees and finishes with one. She hates a dude with good legs.

Then there was Salstrand, coming off an 11^th place last year (and yes, this pissed Her off big-time). Eric was having a perfect day…placed in the top 10 descending Columbine, and well ahead of last year’s pace. No problem, She promptly got inside some guy’s head…schmuck thought he was British for a minute put himself on the wrong side of the fire road. This was beautifully timed, on one of Salstand’s blind corners, resulting in an aligned head-on. Eric trashed his front wheel and was promptly relegated to a feed zone 2 “time-out” for bad behavior. See, She knows Eric well, understanding he can handle the physical pain, but a time-out for crying out loud…pure torture. “Sorry Eric, you did it to me once (last year), but not twice”, She barked.

And then there was Schulhofer. “It’s your first go around”, She hissed. “No problem. I’ll let you finish…I’ll even allow you a very impressive time. But first, a few minor details. For starters I’m going to filet your arm against jagged stone, exposing a fair chunk of bone to you and your compatriots, pack it with rocks, leaving you with a high risk of infection. Then, for good measure and to add a tad of humiliation, let’s take those nice lycra shorts and drag them across some gravel, inserting more rock and exposing your white ass to the masses. By the time I’m done, you’ll get on your hands and knees and beg for the deletion of any and all photos.”

Next, She came up with special plans for Mr. White…a two-year strategy no less. Now with Bill we’re talking about an athlete with big-time talent, a U.S. National Mountain Bike Champion. This guy has got a serious engine, and when he focuses on an event, it almost always means victory. Bill leaves no stone unturned, no detail too small to overlook with countless hours of course study and machine preparation, training at altitude, etc. Her comments for Bill go like this… “Hey YT, listen up. Because I really admire Cindy, and for that reason alone, I’ll allow you do well this year. However Billy, I’m going to leave you with a sense of dissatisfaction when you’re done…a conviction that you can do way better. Yes, I want you to come back. I’m even begging you to come back. Go ahead YT, I know all about your strategies. Train with purpose, trim grams from your bike, even weigh your tires orders and pick the lightest from the batch. Go ahead and shave a gram here, and shave a gram there…heck, even give dieting a try. But here Bill is my commitment to you. Just as with Lance this year, you’re going to be my special recipient of a telegram next year. Just a simple note with a simple suggestion…really a recommendation…to start shopping now for full body armor. That’s right, I suggest you come back looking like a Knight of the Templar. Full helmet, the whole works. Bring a lance and ride a horse for all I care. Do your research and find a light one, but please put one on.”

Last but not least, there is Oakley Rich. “Mr. Weis. Let’s talk shall we? Last year, you had the audacity to invite guests and we all know how that ended up, don’t we? In fact, it was covered quite thoroughly in Mr. Smith’s Bullshit Blog…remember, all that crap about you and Lance together making a “pair”? How you feeling by the way…feeling like less of a man after last year’s single track? Did you come back to race or look for your nut? Well, I know how important it is for you to take care of your friends, so you ignore absolutely everything I taught you, and you come back! Not only do you come back, but you bring those assholes again! Well for that a special treat…I know of all your preparations Rich. Your calorie restriction, no eating till 4 p.m., endless treks up Mt. Lemon, the suffering up Continental. Oh, and all the bloody bullshit motor pacing. Well guess what, I just motor paced you to a 9:04. That’s right, four lousy minutes. I picked this as a very special number for you Rich. It simply means FOUR-K You!!!

Ok, hold on. Where are we at with this story anyway? You, know the critics got all over the original for being too long, so maybe we wrap this up now. The bottom line is, this is an extremely strange event. I’ve spoken to countless contestants and I’ve absolutely reached a final conclusion. Just read the comments from guys like Levi, whining to get off his bike, a TDF podium finisher saying that the event is just ridiculous, that he’s never suffered like that before. So my simple conclusion is this…She gives every contestant (no discrimination here, male or female) the opportunity to experience childbirth…triplets no-less. Just a buckle (one full-term and one premature), no baby. Imagine, giving birth to a belt buckle?

You sweat, sometimes you freeze, you suffer like never ever before. She embarrasses you. You plead for it to end. You curse, you yell, some puke. Heck, some even shit themselves. And then, the next day, with no logical explanation whatsoever, you forget, and you want to come back…for another date, with Her. Well fine, that’s o.k. Just make sure you wear your body armor.